things left unsaid

I shouldn’t have, but I went through our old text conversations last night. I figured I could catch a whiff of you, if I scrolled long enough through the ping-pong of blues and greys. Reading, I could hear your voice, clear as day: its cadence, inflections, your dog-like panting nestled in-between thoughts.

I could hear mine as well: naïve, brazen, utterly euphoric. It made me cringe, similar to when I’d stumbled upon an old VHS of myself singing “Think of Me” from The Phantom of the Opera in front of my third grade class. Both then and now, I see and hear a different person — one whom I concomitantly despise yet pine after. Who was I then?

I love you. I miss you.

I never realized how often I sent you those words until I counted. 38 times in three weeks. 38 times — before bed, between auditions, after dropping you off, just because. I don’t know what compelled me to say it so often; I was sure you already knew. I guess I couldn’t help myself: I wanted to say it, and I wanted you to know.

I love you. I miss you.

The messages eventually tapered, like fine droplets dissipating in the sun. The flurry of emotions subsided, and in its place, a calm assurance. There were moments, of course, when I missed the volatility, the gushing-forth of visceral passion and longing — yes, in the way it made me feel, but more so, in the way it made me act. The resolve to do anything and everything for you—for us—I missed.

It’s over now. It was for the best, except that I wish I had said those words, those words which once came so freely and rapturously, more often during our final few weeks. I want you to know, though, that I never stopped feeling those things; sure, they ebbed and flowed, changed and evolved, grew and matured, but they were always ever-present. I wish I’d just stayed unabashed about it, as I had been when I first laid eyes on you. You’ll say you already knew all of this, you’ll say you’d known all along; but sometimes, it’s just nice to say aloud.

I love you. I miss you.

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4 thoughts on “things left unsaid

  1. Beautifully expressed. You’re writing evokes emotion with extraordinary craft. Keep at it. The world needs writers who bare their souls.

    Like

  2. I just got linked to this from your Instagram story, and I am SO GLAD I swiped up.

    This is absolutely beautiful. Your writing and voice behind your words is so captivating. I really related to this piece, especially given my current situation . I struggle to understand my own feelings , but this piece has really helped me find the words to articulate to myself what I am feeling right now.

    Thank you for sharing! It must have been tough. Please keep sharing more of your writing! ☺️

    Like

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